UPSB v3
Serious Discussion / Dawn by Yours Truly
Literary Discussion: Poem 2
-
Date: Sat, Nov 14 2009 15:51:44Dawn
As the dreary, thin tendrils of dawn
steal upon the frosted, wintry landscape,
a face is illuminated, long; thin; overdrawn.
His heaving chest, his half-beaten heart, about to capitulate.
Pulling aside the folds of his black cotton cloak,
his stiff fingers grasp at the locket hidden within.
Alas, the hypothermia was too large, too heavy to bear.
His decadent body gave way and he collapse therein.
Barely catching breath, his fingers struggled.
The bony, frozen appendages shivering and blue, prised the locket apart.
His failing eyes searched the cold metal's surface,
resting upon the visage of a woman of such ambrosiac beauty, it warmed his heart.
Tears flowed freely, tears that sapped precious energy.
Yet, they invigorated as they did enervate.
He knew then he must pass, alone and desolate.
Never to once more gaze upon her, whose soul was pure and celibate.
With this final act, his mind, his soul was appeased.
Clutching the gold to his chest, he whispered, “Farewell and good-byeâ€.
He laid down in the snow and spread his arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn,
and began to die.
I wrote this for a competition in my game, Achaea. The subject was 'Death'.
Alright, you saw the first poem thread, I need critiques!
-
Date: Sun, Nov 15 2009 03:55:38
i liked the part when he died XD
-
Date: Sun, Nov 15 2009 03:58:07
lol nice, good job
-
Date: Thu, Nov 19 2009 18:40:54
wanna make an analysis of my fav poem?
Study of Two Pears
http://www.poetryfoundation.org/archive/poem.html?id=172208 -
Date: Fri, Nov 20 2009 05:01:55
might as well give you some constructive critisism
first stanza was great, filled with really good imagery
but i really didn't like the "about to capitulate" phrase
actually, on the whole, i think you use too many big words
2nd stanza, you used "hypothermia", when "the cold" would have been more sufficient, or even better
and the last line doesn't completely make sense, as well... he's in the cold and he is already near death
so began to die doesnt' quite...
on second thoughts, the clutching to the locket was his way of clinging to life, so when he let go, then he accepts the death
ok, began to die was fine
but, apart from the minor annoyances (in my eyes), the poem on the whole was had great imagery, a nice rhythm
on a side note, my poem analysis skills aren't that flash
i'm hoping reading some of your analysis increases this skill for some of my english assignments next year -
Date: Mon, Nov 23 2009 03:41:06
k-ryder, I specifically used 'hypothermia' over 'the cold' because it lends a more lethal sense to the setting. Hypothermia, an affliction, is not really the same as coldness, a state. But ok.
Yep. The locket was his only true tie to his existing state. He was pretty much out of it but hung on. It's only when he had 'let go', he truly began to die.
Thanks.
and ok Zombo. -
Date: Wed, Nov 25 2009 14:10:56
It just looks like you're trying to use huge words all the time to make the poem sound, I don't know, more intellegent? Anyway, the use of large words just doesn't work. KISS.
Bits that I think particularly don't work:
Stanza 1, line 4: "about to capitulate." - What? Rubbish.
Stanza 2, line 3: "Alas, the hypothermia was too large, too heavy to bear" - too, too. Hypothermia?
Stanza 3, line 2: "appendages" - Too too big.
Stanza 3, line 4: "resting upon the visage of a woman of such ambrosiac beauty, it warmed his heart." - Something isn't right here - Perhaps the use of visage and ambrosiac together?
Stanza 4, line 1: "Tears flowed freely, tears that sapped precious energy." - Mostly the 'tears that sapped precious energy' but the whole line is rather strange.
Stanza 4, line 4: "Never to once more gaze upon her, whose soul was pure and celibate." - celibate is an odd word to use here. 'Never to once more' is weird.
Stanza 5: "Breathed in the break of dawn,
and began to die." - Too obvious, very boring.
Also, line 3, is that correct use of semi-colons? It may well be, but just check. I haven't seen them used like that before.
Lastly, I think some further study of poetic devices would be of benefit to you as well as study of poetry by some of the great poets: Shakespeare, Burns, Milligan etc. -
Date: Thu, Nov 26 2009 15:51:11QUOTE (Mats @ Nov 25 2009, 10:10 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>It just looks like you're trying to use huge words all the time to make the poem sound, I don't know, more intellegent? Anyway, the use of large words just doesn't work. KISS.
They were the first words that came to my mind but okay.
Bits that I think particularly don't work:
Stanza 1, line 4: "about to capitulate." - What? Rubbish.
Stanza 2, line 3: "Alas, the hypothermia was too large, too heavy to bear" - too, too. Hypothermia?
Stanza 3, line 2: "appendages" - Too too big.
Stanza 3, line 4: "resting upon the visage of a woman of such ambrosiac beauty, it warmed his heart." - Something isn't right here - Perhaps the use of visage and ambrosiac together?
Stanza 4, line 1: "Tears flowed freely, tears that sapped precious energy." - Mostly the 'tears that sapped precious energy' but the whole line is rather strange.
Stanza 4, line 4: "Never to once more gaze upon her, whose soul was pure and celibate." - celibate is an odd word to use here. 'Never to once more' is weird.
Stanza 5: "Breathed in the break of dawn,
and began to die." - Too obvious, very boring.
Also, line 3, is that correct use of semi-colons? It may well be, but just check. I haven't seen them used like that before.
I used it as a sort of a listing device: http://www.essortment.com/all/semicolon_rcnr.htm
Lastly, I think some further study of poetic devices would be of benefit to you as well as study of poetry by some of the great poets: Shakespeare, Burns, Milligan etc.
I do think I know my poetic devices perhaps I should use them more expertly. Though if I recall, Shakespeare had some pretty elaborate poems with pretty large words as well.
Thank you for the critique though. I do agree the beats of the poem are too long owing to the prolific nature of my proneness to large words. I really appreciate the time you took to look over it.