UPSB v3

Serious Discussion / Read/Revise/Critique Essay

  1. strat1227
    Date: Tue, Dec 8 2009 19:10:17

    I'm writing an essay for an application to a summer research program at Northwestern University. The prompt is as follows:

    QUOTE
    Please provide a personal statement of approximately 200-250 words that describes your academic, research and career goals and how your participation in this program will help you achieve these goals. Mention any previous research experience. Please include your name in the document header.


    Here's my first rough draft:

    QUOTE
    Simply put, I am enthralled by Physics, and more specifically the research and discovery of new ideas. All of my research, academic, and career goals incorporate this fact. More tangibly, I hope to continue in the field of academia, and eventually become a Physics professor in order to continue doing research, and contributing to the field. This program, to me, represents an opportunity to broaden my horizons. Most, if not all, of my experience is in High-Energy Physics, and I don't have much exposure to Materials Science. This is definitely a field that I'm interested in learning more about, and I see Northwestern University's REU program as an amazing opportunity to do just that.
    I am currently working with Dr. Ivan Furic in conjunction with CERN on several projects. The project I did the most work with was CMS (Compact Muon Solenoid) monitoring. Data regarding the CMS was imported to the University of Florida, and we analyzed this data and monitored it for consistency, and reported any possible errors back to CERN. A small example of this data analysis can be found at http://tier2.ihepa.ufl.edu/~garner/plots/browser.html with a focus on the timing elements of the data.
    More recently, with the reopening of the LHC, we are working on upgraded muon triggering systems. I personally am focusing on the appearance of the Z boson, and how it might affect our triggering system. I am working on this by running simulations within PYTHIA 8, a Monte-Carlo simulator.
    I think I am a good candidate for the program because I've always been extremely goal-oriented and approach situations with a very problem-solving mentality. My three years of high school debate on the national debate has honed this skill, as well as the ability to look at all sides of a topic impartially. I'm a very motivated individual who, if given a specific task, can utilize available resources to ensure that it is done to the absolute best of my ability.
    I appreciate the opportunity to apply to this program, and look forward to the privilege of working within it. If any more information is required or desired, feel free to contact me any time at ******@ufl.edu

    Thanks in advance,
    ***** ******
    University of Florida


    A couple of things I noticed:
    *definitely far too long
    *I talk about why I'm a good candidate, not really part of the prompt but I think it's important
    *I use the word "opportunity" a lot

    EDIT: I forgot to say, thanks in advance for any opinions biggrin.gif

    DOUBLE EDIT: Tabs didn't come in very well with the copy lol.

  2. Zombo
    Date: Tue, Dec 8 2009 19:12:58

    put external refs as footnotes

  3. strat1227
    Date: Tue, Dec 8 2009 19:16:14

    QUOTE (Zombo @ Dec 8 2009, 02:12 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
    put external refs as footnotes


    Ah, right-o. Good idea.

  4. Penwish
    Date: Tue, Dec 8 2009 19:22:27

    usually don't use I've use I have. or I would instead of I'd. That is more business writing not sure is applies to technical. didn't write very many in engineering~

  5. strat1227
    Date: Tue, Dec 8 2009 19:24:44

    true true. I have a bad tendency to write as i speak dry.gif

    Edit: Basically my main concern is that it's twice the recommended length D:

  6. Penwish
    Date: Tue, Dec 8 2009 19:26:46

    and we analyzed this data and monitored it for consistency, and reported any possible errors back to CER


    comma should separate two independent clauses only. The later is dependent

  7. strat1227
    Date: Tue, Dec 8 2009 19:29:42

    Yep, another example of my speech-to-text problem, I'm a comma addict. I use them where I'd typically pause in speech instead of where they grammatically belong sad.gif

    How about:

    Data regarding the CMS was imported to the University of Florida where we analyzed and monitored it for consistency. We then reported any possible errors back to CERN for verification.

  8. Penwish
    Date: Tue, Dec 8 2009 19:32:38

    Are you writing to someone who has an idea what you are talking about?

  9. strat1227
    Date: Tue, Dec 8 2009 19:34:40

    Hmm I can only assume so, I guess technically they're Materials Science people, but my best guess is they know what I'm saying. I don't really have room in the word limit to explain my research, it only says mention it anyway.

    I included the email address in case they wanted more info though ... hopefully that's good enough

    EDIT: Example two-- "...and eventually become a Physics professor in order to continue doing research, and contributing to the field."

    There shouldn't be a comma should there?

  10. Mats
    Date: Sat, Dec 12 2009 13:10:17

    Why are there capital letters... Everywhere? confusedsmilie.gif

  11. strat1227
    Date: Sat, Dec 12 2009 14:44:28

    I capitalized fields of study, that's the only thing I'm uncertain on. Other things (Monte-Carlo, Z boson, CERN, CMS, etc) I'm certain are capitalized.

  12. Mats
    Date: Sun, Dec 13 2009 15:00:43

    I don't think areas of study get capitalised... I would never write "I study Music." It's just mad.